Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
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