If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
