you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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