I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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