Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.