Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza