I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"