You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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