Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
