she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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