It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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