Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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