allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
