Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
