i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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