I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
