i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
