i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
