I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Bring me that man meat
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
