i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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