so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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