Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
