nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
