she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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