mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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