i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
