you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
