i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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