I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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