some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My penis needs a shock collar
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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