its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
