she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
