just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
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I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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