I accidentally burped into my bong.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
