We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
