I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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