i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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