I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
