I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
