Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
