every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
