drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
