Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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