i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
