Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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