i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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