i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
