it hurts more in the daytime
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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