I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
