So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
