I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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