Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
