I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
