Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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