I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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