the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
im calling her cock vulture from now on
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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