the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
we're so committed to being not committed
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